Despite all those promises I made myself, over the course of time... this blog has died its natural death. Acceptance is hard. When you conjure up your own version of how things should be and watch all those dreams shatter, your heart is bound to refuse the possibility that your desires may never ever happen for you. It sets you off on a journey that leads you through disappointments, hopes, trials, realizations and finally acknowledgement. The truth remains that no matter how hard you try to keep something alive, at the end destiny takes its own course.

After holding on to this little piece of space out here for so long, I am finally ready to accept that its time to let go. Its time to see that this has been long over, no matter how great it was, sometime back in the past. I started this blog because I was made to see that I could express myself better in writing. And in these little posts here, I tried to capture some of those random thoughts of a silly mind. Flipping through these writings always brings a smile to me... There is a strange childish unexplainable innocence to them that seems to be lost now. I am so glad I put in the effort to jot these down and will perhaps appreciate these much more, many years later when I can laugh at my own naive self.

I feel like I also owe a reason to say why I stopped. I guess over a period of time, I found life becoming too complex to pour into writings. Everything seemed too frivolous to worry about and I kept raveling into bigger worries. I found solace in real people who I could talk to and forgot all about talking to myself or noone in particular. May be that was a good thing, or may be not. But now, if I continue this from where I left off, it would make no sense because I am not this girl anymore. Life has changed me a great deal in a couple of years and now I can only look at these heartfelt scribbles with warmth.

But to let you in on a precious secret, I haven't given up on expressing myself entirely. You might safely assume that somewhere out there amidst the vast labyrinth of writings in endless spaces - there is yours truly, writing her heart away behind a mask of a faceless name and hoping no one is tracing it back to her... And that's how she would like it to be...

A wonderful read....

"I have faith. Faith in existence. Faith that does not believe in my self, but believes in the infinite. My self is an illusion: when you meet me, all that you are meeting is every experience that has come before this moment. I cling to my pain, my ideas, my opinions, my love, because that clinging gives me identity -- but these things are not mine to have, they are only the residue that is left of my experiences. There is only one person/thing: Consciousness, though it takes many separate forms and travels many separate paths.

Arguing over religion is simply that: arguing. All is true. All is real. All is necessary.

If anything, man needs to disabuse itself of its belief in man. All that you see is time expressing itself. You and everything else are but an expression of time, no more. When you have had all of your experiences, there will be no more, but consciousness will remain.

Don't fear death, it has already happened. The moment you were born somewhere out there in the mist of the future you were also dying.

This is the miracle. It is all around us, if only we have eyes to see it."

- Someone Anonymous

Thank you. My day is made.

Long time, No Blog

After not having blogged in a month of Sundays, I thought it only made sense to pull the plug on these scribbles. I do not know why I am back here, doing what I gave up doing eons ago. Be it because of a random reader who would like to read some more, or an old friend who would like me to write more, or a polite acquaintance who is trying to be just that. For the sake of a heap of memories and thoughts waiting to be materialized into words, or possibly just because I want to/have to/need to. I am considering blogging again, for what it's worth. This is not being easy on me but I am up for it. Hope to see me around a little more often !

Weather the weather, whatever the whether

My wireless internet network "V_4" refuses to connect to the virtual world. So I pick up the phone and dial my internet service provider to find out what went wrong. An amateur eastern islander guy takes my call. After rummaging his database for a considerable period of time, he finally retrieves my record, makes me perform a string of tests I already did, puts me on hold for about three-quarters-an-hour and he still can't figure out a solution. And so, he makes a miserable attempt at conversation, while trying to reach his supervisor for help.
"So, how is the weather there ma'm?" he asks, with his unmistakable forced accent.
Oscar Wilde is so right when he says, “Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative", I think. And at the same time, a series of memories flash through my inner eye. When I was a kid, we lived for a period of 3 years in a remote village in India, where Dad was working. We used to have power-cuts for 20 hours a day, everyday. Unbelievably, life wasn't as tough as it sounds, although me and a childhood friend never stopped dreaming of a huge fan in the sky with it's controls in our hands. Last year was particularly weird for me, weather-wise ! I faced the worst summertime I could ask for, in the scorching heat, seated in an asbestos-lining-roofed primitive "mess"(mess, it was), little knowing that later the same year, I would be shivering dead in the cold, with temperatures at -22 C as well, clinging on to my winter-wear for dear life.
"Ma'm, are you there?" the guy enquires.
I am jolted back into the present and answer him.
"The weather... Oh yeah. It is just perfect, thank you. The sun is smiling at me, sweeter and brighter than ever, and I couldn't be happier. Now, if you please Monsieur, could we return to our troubleshooting?"
"Oh, very well ma'm. I'll have to put you on hold for a moment."
Sigh !

Jus like that - 3

It is 4:06pm. 54 minutes to go before I say my happy weekends. Work is going pretty cool. An irritating book on a "shelled-mollusk" like sounding language continues to glare at me. I finally figured out something about mail_queue monitor reports. Big deal! Imood thinks I am mostly bouncy. Home is fun. I, (and me alone) think my puppa rocks. Bank account nadir. I love HTML. My risks hardly pay off. Mom thinks my eyes look dead. Do I need glasses? Friends are as awesome as ever. I am romancing blog layouts more often. Lucky stars are not exactly twinkling. My boss loves spicy food. I still can't get over orkut. Where is Soho? A friend of mine thinks I would be better off in Pluto. I have to update the music playlist on my phone. I am yet to meet Dina Hamdani. Harry Potter rocks. Damn this cold. I wanna watch "Duck Tales". Most of them geroff the A at Broadway-Nassau. Quacky, my screenmate is missing from the desktop. And so is something else. Bagel and cream cheese is doing me no good. Not much ops today. Jalsa tonight. Aaargh! Here comes Pete's mail. Good to go! Doh...coming up...

Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams


Welcome to the melting-pot of cultures. The land of opportunities, or disappointments, was it? The big apple, a city that never ever sleeps. No wonder it does'nt... there is so much energy around, teeming with millions of young, talented people who want their lives to mean something. But it seems the common thread among them is an understanding that their lives are about more than having a crappy job and a crappy relationship. They seem hell-bent on making something out of their lives. All of them with different ideas, different means, different goals and different values. It is impossible to not become a zombie, desensitized to everything going on around you, impossible to not get in the habit of walking as briskly as possible, head down, making a frivolous attempt at ignoring the chill that threatens to freeze your heart. A place that never fails to overwhelm you at the first encounter, but can hardly sustain it's charm.

The disgusting subways, the random intimidating lunatics on the prowl, the icy frosty wind and its howl, the deserted bridges, the precious few parks, the crowd, the traffic, the trash, the prices, the noise, the solitude, the belittling skyscrapers, the stores and the brands, the rockaways and the broadways, the cabs, the avenues, the sodas, the streets, the laundromats, dumpster nights, heaters and barbeque's, , the signals, the billboards, the fries, the pizzas and the stupid wide roads, all those losers who stare and stare, and just don't care, the accents, the attitudes, the sickening indifference across latitudes, earphones - my only company all morning, all those people saying "Bless you" each time I sneeze... to hell with you all.
I hate u NY, I hate u forever.
A Newyorkified life, and I hate it to the core...
I ♥ living to see my next birthday more than ever.

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